Beards, perhaps the most practical inventions of mankind, has gone unnoticed by modern-day society. What is to keep women warm during the cold days of winter if not their boyfriend’s scruffs and where would a man hide away his essentials? Simply put, without beards, man is useless.
The clean cut style that women favor today does not represent the rugged nature of a man’s soul, and causes me to question whether they want real men, or Richard Simmons. Chuck Norris, Sean Connery, Jesus, and Smoly, all of whom are real men, wear their beards proudly and offer perfect examples of what a real man should be.
The trend has extended so far as to imasculinate a previous god of manliness, the Brawny man who originally wore a beard, has been morphed into a wimpy beardless shadow of his former self. A man is nothing without his beard.
Yet, women could benefit from their own beards as well. With the recent ghetto trend of braiding your hair, women could take the beard into previously unexplored, more feminine aspects. I would gladly kiss any bearded women.
Further more, with the ban on backpacks, the infinite storage space the elongated beard offers can easily compensate. Pencils, markers, and cans of tuna be stored until their use is needed.
Time is also an issue, and without having to shave our faces every morning, we would have an extra 10, 15 minutes to spare. With this time, we could work towards world peace and spend time bathing the old.
Not just any facial hair could be allowed though, for the wimpy willowisp mustache and the muttonchops offer no storage space to its user, as well as reinforce his lack of machismo, thus would not meet minimum requirements. Anything that does not cover at least two-fourths of the face should not be allowed to suffice. For those who can not grow hair, a replica of Bob Ross’s beard would be supplied.
Other then being practical, the beard could also offer as a form of identity in Cape, and serve as a booster of school sprit. Imagine, on pep rally days, seeing a gymnasium full of orange and blue facial hair. Of course, a change in mascot would be in order, we would need a bearded animal, a goat, buffalo, or Chuck Norris would work just fine.
Embrace the beards and the beards of your fellow class mates Seahawks, for with our beards, we will grow strong
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Tue Dec 11, 2007 12:36 pm